A Good Week To Come!

So, on Friday my boss finally gave me word on my job (which I thought for sure was over April 30th after several confusing conversations). I got a 1 year extension! WOOHOO!!! So, finally, I can stop worrying about that for a while!

This week is going to be awesome, because I'm on training for work until Wednesday. The place that we're training at has free coffee and treats, and it's right downtown. The weather's been awesome here, so I like going out for lunch and walking around with my boss and co-worker at lunch time.

This week will also be awesome (or the rest of this month for that matter) because AF is FINALLY gone.

I am in such a great mood after such a productive weekend. I hope that all of these positive changes that are happening for DH and I keep coming. We've come so far!!

Not So Subtle Changes

Since my last post about seeing the doctor, I have opted to try a low-dose anxiety medication. I did not expect changes to happen right away, but in all honesty, they have. Overall, I've felt a lot less nervous, especially in social situations, and I haven't had a lot of anxiety about my job, despite the fact that it looks like it will be over April 30th.

I've only been taking the medication for about a week, so I'm honestly surprised at how soon I've seen changes happen. The only downsides to the meds so far is that as soon as I started taking them, I got a UTI, and they make me really tired. It will take about a month before they are in full swing, so hopefully those side effects will die off.

I haven't been running this week since I've been a little off kilter, but I intend to pick that back up full force tomorrow, when the weather is a lot warmer. (It's -30 out with the windchill today... brrrr... but supposed to go up to -2 tomorrow.)

Looking up!

I have an appointment today to talk with my doctor about what to do with my anxiety. If being in a weird job place has shown me anything, it's that I'm not dealing with my anxiety in a productive way. I worry about EVERYTHING, even when most of my worries are irrational. I figure it's best to get this stuff sorted out before I finally do have children and pass all of my anxiety issues down to them, so I guess I'll see what my doctor has to say. I feel relief in knowing that I'm at least taking the first step towards a healthier me by having made the call... so that is positive. :)

I have also started running. Despite any lack of motivation I may have for exercise, I know that it's necessary, and that sitting around isn't doing me any good. So far, running has helped with my anxiety issues. Despite all the crap that may go on in my day, if I get out and run, I feel a little better, because I can focus on the accomplishment of the half hour of exercise that I've done.

My line of thought right now is that while we're trying to get pregnant, I'm going to try to lose weight. I'm overweight by about 40lbs. Weight never helps with PCOS, so losing it for that purpose will work in my favour, but it also doesn't help with how I feel about myself from day to day, which only adds to my anxieties.

I hope that in taking care of my body and my brain, I will be the healthy person that I want to be. Me being that person will do nothing but good for me, for my relationship with DH and for the future family we will one day have.

There's a light at the end of this tunnel. :)

What I've been working on

Some of these projects (okay most of them) are still all in progress, but since I hadn't put any knitting up on this blog lately, I thought I'd put some up!

I'll start with these thrummed mitts. I call them Chocolate Chip Mint mitts for
obvious reasons. :) I really like knitting these and they make for a really warm pair

of mittens because of the way the "thrums" (brown dots/vees) line the inside of the mittens.

This is what the inside of a thrummed mitten looks like. All that is fleece, and it's left

in there to add extra warmth. These mitts are PERFECT for freezing weather.

Hands will not be cold!

And as strange looking as they may appear on the inside, on the outside

they really are quite cute. :)

This is a thrummed hat. I decided to try to line a hat with fleece around

the band that goes over the ears. My gauge was off, so it will be a Children's hat now,

but all in all, still a pretty cool idea.

And this is the outside of the thrummed hat.

This is a glove project I started at Christmas, and really should finish

since they look so nice. I just needed a break from gloves. Making fingers

is enough hard work on a mitten, making 5 on a glove is enough to make me

move on to another project for a while. :)

This is the first pair of gloves I ever made. Not bad!

And this is a simple button tab hat.

Some Days I Wonder

Yesterday, I spent a beautifully warm winter day with my mother walking down the canal, and shopping downtown. We walked for 4+ hours until our feet hurt, but it was just one of those days that is so nice that you can't pass up.

Today, I am exhausted. I can barely keep my eyes open, my head just hurts from it, and I could probably pass out and sleep comfortably on a sharp pointy rock.

And I wonder... Is this how tired I will be in early pregnancy?

How is it that I manage to associate every feeling I have with ttc somehow? This isn't the first time my mind veers from something arbitrary to full on TTC contemplation.

The mind is a strange place.

The Journey Ends And Begins Here

I don't know what to make of the feelings towards trying to conceive that I've been feeling lately. So far a lot of the experience has been so negative. I can't say that it's put me off of having a family, but it has certainly put me off moving forward with treatment.

I want a baby, but I guess I don't want it bad enough to have to centre my life around trying to make it happen anymore. There are enough disappointments in life to deal with often enough, that the constant disappointment I feel with every unsuccessful cycle is just more than I want to deal with in my life right now.

DH and I want a baby, but neither one of us wants to feel so discouraged all the time. IF hurts, that is the truth, and I've spent too much time in the last couple of years feeling hurt. I feel like it has aged me, like it has opened up a side of me that I can't work with, and that it has amplified some of my more unattractive personality traits resulting in an inability to create new social relationships, or being an active contributor to the regular social relationships.

Lately, more and more I think about what life will be like for DH and I if a baby never happens. As much at it hurts to think about it right now when I am so surrounded by babies in my life and the jealousy that accompanies wanting to be able to experience that joy when it's so prevalent in the families that surround me, I am able to see a future where we don't have children, and I don't hate it.

I guess what I'm saying is that DH and I will go on as we've been doing. We'll just let things happen naturally, do everything in our power not to think about trying to conceive, and if it happens, life will be great.. and if it doesn't... life will still be great.

DH has no problems accepting a life for the two of us that can be 100% what we want it to be either way, and I want to take a page from his book.

I don't want to feel disappointed in my life if a baby never happens, and all I can do to eliminate that disappointment is to accept and find happiness in my current life, and look at having a family as icing on the cake. The cake tastes great without it, and if I get icing, well, that works too.