Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The Journey Ends And Begins Here

I don't know what to make of the feelings towards trying to conceive that I've been feeling lately. So far a lot of the experience has been so negative. I can't say that it's put me off of having a family, but it has certainly put me off moving forward with treatment.

I want a baby, but I guess I don't want it bad enough to have to centre my life around trying to make it happen anymore. There are enough disappointments in life to deal with often enough, that the constant disappointment I feel with every unsuccessful cycle is just more than I want to deal with in my life right now.

DH and I want a baby, but neither one of us wants to feel so discouraged all the time. IF hurts, that is the truth, and I've spent too much time in the last couple of years feeling hurt. I feel like it has aged me, like it has opened up a side of me that I can't work with, and that it has amplified some of my more unattractive personality traits resulting in an inability to create new social relationships, or being an active contributor to the regular social relationships.

Lately, more and more I think about what life will be like for DH and I if a baby never happens. As much at it hurts to think about it right now when I am so surrounded by babies in my life and the jealousy that accompanies wanting to be able to experience that joy when it's so prevalent in the families that surround me, I am able to see a future where we don't have children, and I don't hate it.

I guess what I'm saying is that DH and I will go on as we've been doing. We'll just let things happen naturally, do everything in our power not to think about trying to conceive, and if it happens, life will be great.. and if it doesn't... life will still be great.

DH has no problems accepting a life for the two of us that can be 100% what we want it to be either way, and I want to take a page from his book.

I don't want to feel disappointed in my life if a baby never happens, and all I can do to eliminate that disappointment is to accept and find happiness in my current life, and look at having a family as icing on the cake. The cake tastes great without it, and if I get icing, well, that works too.

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