The Heartbeat

I met my new OB yesterday. He seems like a really nice guy, which is a welcome change from my RE who we referred to as Dr. Roboto.

Sitting in the waiting room to meet this new doctor, I was surrounded by big pregnant bellied mamas, and their children. Having only ever been to the RE's office, where there are generally no pregnant women (yet) and no children, this was a really strange experience. As I sat there, surrounded by women who seemed so much older and wiser than me (even though I'm 30), I honest to god felt like a teenager sitting there... waiting for someone to tell me what to do and hold my hand to get me somewhere.

I had to fill out a bunch of forms, and the reality/responsibility of adulthood, and becoming a mother hit me full force like a ton of bricks. Don't get me wrong, I'm over the moon to be becoming a mommy after all of this, but the reality of it is so scary. I spent so much time thinking about getting pregnant, I never gave much thought to how my life would change when I actually got pregnant and became a mother. LOL

I guess it didn't help that DH couldn't be there for this appointment because he's out on training for work. I probably wouldn't have felt so overwhelmed had he been there.

After a million and one questions on forms, answered to the nurse, and then the doctor, my doc took out the doppler so that we could look for a heartbeat. He warned me that we might not be able to find it at 12 weeks, but after a little searching, that little heartbeat showed up thumping away at 169bpm, which my doctor said was awesome!

What an exciting thing to hear, but also, and overwhelming thing to hear by myself. I really wish DH would have been there. I feel like it was kind of a defining moment in this pregnancy, because it finally allows me to feel like this is viable, and everything is going to be okay, and DH wasn't there to share it with me.

I didn't cry during my appointment. When I heard the heartbeat, it's like my whole world stopped, and I just sat there awestruck by the sound of it. The rest of the appointment was pretty much a blur, because that little thump-thump sound just blew my mind.

I got in to my car, and that's when I lost it. I just started bawling. I was bawling, because I was so happy that little heartbeat was there for me to hear... and I was just amazed that this is actually happening and that my baby is still in there, still thriving. I was just generally overjoyed.... but also suddenly filled with fear and doubt in my abilities to be a parent. I think I just started feeling so many things that I just kind of exploded, thank goodness I was able to pull myself together before I walked back in to the office.

Later on yesterday, DH called to ask me how the appointment went. He was so excited/jealous that I got to hear the heartbeat and vowed that no matter what, he wouldn't miss another appointment. I'm happy with that. I shared with him every little detail that I could, and I told him my joys, and my fears.. and as DH always does, he reassured me that I'd be an amazing mom, and that I wasn't alone in all of this since we have each other, and we're going to be awesome parents no matter what. :) Damn, I love that man!!

Yesterday was just a crazy, emotional day. It's amazing how just one little tiny sound can mean so much in the grand scheme of things. I went to bed early last night, just to play some catch up since I was feeling so exhausted.

This morning, I woke up and I felt like a new person. I didn't have to drag myself out of bed. I just kept thinking about this baby, and that wonderful sound I heard yesterday, and each time I thought of it, I smiled.

Yesterday was the realization that this is real, and my immediate response to it.

Today is the 'aftermath' of that realization, and the official beginning of my life as a mother.

Yesterday, I was scared, happy, emotional.

Today, I AM SO FREAKIN' EXCITED!!!!!!