Monday, November 21, 2011

No motivation

Since finding out last week that my job term where I work (and have worked for the last 2.5 years) will not be renewed (in April), therefore leaving me with no job to go back to after mat leave... I have absolutely NO MOTIVATION to work. The only thing that keeps me going is that in order to receive employment insurance payments while I'm on maternity leave, I have to work up to the day I go on leave to qualify.

I'm sad and disappointed that I will not be able to keep this job. After this term is over, I would have been only 6 months away from becoming a permanent employee. After two and a half years of putting your hard work in to something only to have it ripped from you right at the end.. it's hard to focus on continuing to do a good job for nothing. I'm only working towards the end now. It's tough... as of last week, I really just don't give a crap about what I'm doing anymore. My boss is sad that he wasn't able to get my term renewed. He really liked me as an employee and he is pissed off at upper management for being such idiots. They are claiming they don't need my position anymore (to save $$$), yet when I'm gone, they are replacing me with a permanent employee... I find this hilarious, as they are cutting me to save money, when I make less than this person will. *eyeroll* I will be going to the union with this, because some of it is fishy.. and I'll see if there's anything I can do.. but honestly, I don't expect that anything with the union will go very far.

The good news last week (after I received my shitty news) is that DH's term was made permanent. :) With all the cut backs going on, this is amazing news! At least one of our jobs is safe, and it's the one that can sustain us, so despite being really bummed about my job, at least I don't have to have a heart attack wondering if we'll stay afloat if DH got on the chopping block too!

I don't know what this job loss will mean for my future. I'll be on maternity leave for 11 months, so I have some time to think about it, but it's scary to think that after leave, I'll have to jump back in to job searching. It's going to be tough, because I really love the job I currently have, and it's going to be hard to find something that's equally as exciting and has the same benefits and salary.

I've been trying to put this all out of my mind for now and just focus on the baby DH and I are about to bring in to the world. My boss keeps wanting me to send my CV out to people, but I just keep wondering.. What's the point? They're going to take one look at me, see that I'm clearly nearing the end of my pregnancy, and will know that I will be gone for a year on leave.... I'm not a very promising employee at the moment. I'm going to send my CV's out anyway. I don't fully expect to hear anything as no one is hiring right now anyway, and the departments within the organization that I work for are all experiencing cut backs and hiring freezes. I'm hoping that if I give out my CV now, it will likely take them a year to get back to me anyway (it took me 7 months to get this job).

I guess I can say is that another good thing is timing. At least I'm pregnant now, and will be working up until leave to get benefits. I have my job until April, which is much better than them having laid me off before my term was over, which would put me up shit creek for $$$.

Life is so frustrating sometimes. I know it could be much worse, but I'm just so sad when I think about how I was just beginning to love my career, and now I feel like I'll have to start all over again at the bottom a year from now. I'm scared, and I'm overwhelmed. It really sucks.

Timing is everything though. I will need a break from thinking about job crap soon, and it will come when Ash gets here, so I'll focus on being a good mommy for a while, and worry about my own personal career future later.

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